CPAC: Horny Pizza Guy Finds Redemption, Family

Purveyor of mediocre pizza and former presidential candidate Hermann Cain said he dropped out to put “family first.” It’s the tiredest cliche in porn: pizza delivery guy makes a few house calls, offers “the sausage special”, decides to run for president, then it starts rainin’ bitches and the party is over.

Businessman Herman Cain on Thursday said his decision to drop out of the race for the Republican nomination came down to two factors: “Gutter politics” and the fact that “I chose to put family first.”

Cain made the comments to a sympathetic audience at CPAC, the four-day Conservative Political Action Conference that every year brings thousands of conservatives to Washington.

I don’t believe Cain for obvious reasons, and his decision to leave the porn/pizza business to make redemption movies on the Hallmark Channel leave me a little less than impressed.

But credit where credit is due, Cain gave the rub to a rising star: Joe “the Not An Actual Plumber And Not Actually Named Joe” Wurzelbacher who will be losing in his congressional bid later this year.

Cain said he’s endorsing Sam “Joe the Plumber” Wurzelbacher for Congress in Ohio’s 9th district. Wurzelbacher would face either liberal stalwart Rep. Dennis Kucinich or Rep. Marcy Kaptur in the general election.

What an endorsement for the fake plumber.

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