The Most Anticipated Sequel Since “Gigli 2”

Words fail how awesome this is:

Apparently gluttons for more movie critic punishment, the producers of the first Atlas Shrugged movie have announced that production on Part Two will begin in the spring.

John Aglialoro, who independently produced and funded the first movie to the tune of $20 million, and Harmon Kaslow, another producer, announced that they would begin principal photography on the sequel in April, according to the Hollywood Reporter.

Ever attentive to timing, Aglialoro and Kaslow said they chose to announce the movie on what would have been Ayn Rand’s 107th birthday and are shooting to release it this October, right before the presidential election.

Well yeah, you gotta get it out there on Ayn Rand’s 107th birthday. Of course, nobody besides Paul Ryan’s Fountainhead Club gives a shit, but I also don’t pretend to understand Randism. I can only imagine that they are sitting around wanking to that vacuous half-wit’s bloated polemics over her vacant philosophies and those kind eyes.

Objectivists probably didn’t get laid in high school much.

Now, we all remember what a humungous clunker “Atlas Shrugged Pt. 1” was. It was released on April 15 (OH HO! TAX DAY!) last year and got scathing reviews for being:

Made on the cheap with no-name stars, this is no better than a stilted anachronistic curiosity, a low-rent version of the eighties’ prime-time soap Dallas, with the industrial concerns and sexual mores of 1950s, all, somehow, set in 2016. -Liam Lacey, Globe and Mail

Atlas Shrugged: Part I is in many ways charmingly oblivious to its inherent contradictions and the fact that its capitalist titans appear to be squatting in old, abandoned Dynasty sets, eating food-court baked potatoes. -Carina Chocano, NY Times

Atlas Shrugged is a passionless experience that feels like a TV movie/miniseries. It’s flat, poorly plotted, thinly performed and dull to its core -RL Shaffer, IGN DVD

An eye-rollingly clumsy amble through a Middle Earth of Monopolists for the rest of us. -Roger Moore, Orlando Sentinel

Ayn Rand’s monumental 1,168-page, 1957 novel gets the low-budget, no-talent treatment and sits there flapping on screen like a bludgeoned seal. -Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

Now, those were from the Hollywood elitists who wanted to submarine “Atlas Shrugged” so that the looters and moochers wouldn’t be aware of the damage they are causing to all those Objectivists who are eating t-bone steaks and driving H2s without gubmint assistance. At Rotten Tomatoes, the movie has an 11 percent rating on the Tomatometer, but luckily, there were a ton of Dagny Taggart wannabes who propped it up to a 76 percent.

How much do you want to bet Goldbuggers and Paultards went on a mission to make sure it looked better? I’d be willing to bet my food stamps. Kyle Smith of the New York Post found the silver lining:

Though a bit stiff in the joints and acted by an undistinguished cast amid TV-movie trappings, this low-budget adaptation of Ayn Rand’s novel nevertheless contains a fire and a fury that makes it more compelling than the average mass-produced studio item.

High praise.

Regardless, “Atlas Shrugged” was a cinematic and box office failure. It didn’t even make back a quarter of its budget, and the Randists cried foul.

BUT, just in time for the 2012 election, the same genius who wasted millions on the first one will release a second one that will likely suffer just as much at the box office, get panned by all the same critics and not even remotely change the way society sees Objectivists.

Honestly, how can someone use this horseshit prose as the basis for a good screenplay?

Lillian Rearden: A chain. Appropriate, isn’t it? It’s the chain by which he holds us all in bondage.

John Galt: Power-lust is a weed that grows only in the vacant lots of an abandoned mind.

Francisco D’Anconia: If you saw Atlas, the giant who holds the world on his shoulders, if you saw that he stood, blood running down his chest, his knees buckling, his arms trembling but still trying to hold the world aloft with the last of his strength, and the greater his effort the heavier the world bore down upon his shoulders-what would you tell him to do?

Henry “Hank” Rearden: I… don’t know. What could he do? What would you tell him?

Francisco D’Anconia: To shrug.


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