Boring Basketball & Grumpy White Guys

I’m watching Indiana-Wisconsin on ESPN2 because a) fuck those debates and b) there have been too many seasons of “Jersey Shore” for me to care anymore.

Jimmer Fredette was, frankly, fundamental

Anyway, ESPN has subjected viewers to a classic: Indiana leads Wisconsin 39-36 with 9:46 to play. Hey, offense is for them glory boys who strut around with their dicks trying to get on those And 1 mixtapes. Real basketball teams know that the best strategy is to have as few possessions as possible (Wisconsin is dead last in D-1 hoops in possessions per game; Indiana is 255th. Out of 345 teams) and shoot terribly from the field.

When grumpy white people talk about basketball these days, they are really bitching about all the showboating and the blackness. “Hey!” they say, “where the hell is Larry Bird? Where are the fundamentals!”  Grumpy white guys want to watch basketball that makes you want to uppercut your plasma screen. These guys from Wisconsin and Indiana are particularly terrible about getting penetration and instead of trying to get to the basket, they just throw the ball back out to the perimeter and start the goddamn process all over again.

You know who is a good white player? Jimmer Fredette. Man, that guy had it all. The proper amount of melanin. A sweet jumper. A white school that forbid kids from drinking or fornicating. He would’ve been the perfect church rec league All-Star, you know…if he wasn’t Mormon and stuff. Fredette played like he was blessed by the Angel Moroni.

A grumpy white guy could show his son or grandson a Jimmer Fredette game from his career at BYU and say “see son, that’s how it’s done!” He would comment on the way Jimmer still scores despite being oppressed by the black man in what used to be a white man’s game. He would applaud Jimmer for being selfless and looking for his teammates.

I imagine Republicans would love Jimmer Fredette and white basketball if they cared about such a thing. IU and Wisconsin are full of white guys fighting the black power. They are not remotely athletic and they cannot shoot. They cannot perform some of the basic things needed to be a champion at a high level. Yet somehow Indiana has recorded some monstrous wins: vs. #1 Kentucky, vs. #2 Ohio State, vs. #16 Michigan. It’s preposterous how a bunch of guys that play a 1950s game can slow down UK and OSU. Sure, it’s college basketball and you can’t sleep on anyone, but the sheer athleticism advantage that most teams have should swallow Indiana whole.

But it does not. They make for a boring game, but they are extremely competitive. Maybe grumpy white guys know a thing or two. Maybe this “throw the ball around for 25 seconds” thing works. What if everything I think I know about basketball is wrong, and the real key to success is milking the clock and protecting the ball?

What if this means I’m wrong about other things? Maybe Mitt Romney is right about fiscal policy. Rick Santorum could be right about gays. Newt Gingrich could be right about whatever he stands for this week.

Oh yeah, they’re down to 2:28 in the game and Wisconsin leads 51-48. Thrilling.


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